Keep On Trekking

So, now that I'm single, I am free to focus on areas of my life I have had on a back burner.

For a long time now, I've wanted to earn more money by working as a counsellor. Finally, an opportunity has arrived at the centre that I volunteer at. It's a really exciting time. The job is part-time, only 10 hours a week, but it's something that could lead to more work or could be supplemented by private clients and other work.

What do you do? I'm a counsellor.

That's what I want to be able to say, instead of: "I earn my money as a support worker, but I'm also qualified as counsellor and I'm trying to build up by client base and get a job so that can become my main thing."

It's easier to say, for a start.


Well, as great as it is to focus on my career, I find it quite hard being single. It's hard not to feel lonely. My friendships seem more important; my job seems more important; my happiness seems more important. Otherwise, I don't know. My life is in flux, I guess.

There's this little voice that pipes up sometimes saying, You're 30 soon! What are you doing with your life? I get this sense of panic rising, that I should be in a loving relationship, that I should be having kids, that I should have a mortgage, that I should have my career path sorted!

I have to remember to stay calm and think of all the other folk I know who are making their way through life in the best way they know how, just like me. I have to remember that few people get to a point where they can say to themselves: this is 100% where I want to be.

It is better to be open to finding the right path than to be on the wrong one and too stubborn or frightened to change!

I need to get out for a long hike in the wilds, go canoeing, climb a mountain. Maybe that will remind me that I am strong and that there is great beauty in the world. It will also remind me that life is not always about what I did or what I'm going to do, but what I'm doing right now.

I need to remember to savour the moment. :-)

Maker Sunshine Festival

I've got to be honest: I had pretty mixed feelings about going to this festival and it had nothing to do with the festival itself. I was nervous to be spending time with Ciarin so soon after we'd split. I needn't have worried; it was fine. He was friendly, but not awkward or overly intimate - a real gentleman, as ever. There were maybe 30 people there that I knew, so I didn't have to be around him and his friends (my friends, too, these days). However, I did enjoy his company and theirs. :-)

I did have a couple of 'moments'. I started sobbing just as Dreadzone came on! The music made me want to dance, but I felt a bit sad. The contrast made me feel disconnected from the moment. Fortunately, I was 'bundled' by three friends who hugged me fiercely and got me dancing. Before long, I was enjoying myself.

The truth is that I had a great festival. The festival itself is by no means large, but there's plenty going on - there's the Main Stage, the 2nd Stage, the Energy Rooms, The Cabaret Tent, the Bunkers and the Hemp Tent, plus a number of different hangouts - hookah pipes, cafes, tea shops, the firepit and a dome tent that welcomed all types of smokers. There were brave men and women performing the fire poi for our entertainment. I saw comedy acts (the delightful and very funny Totnes poet Matt Harvey), burlesque dancing (the unforgettable Miss Zelma du Noir) and some brilliant local bands live (sexy blues chick, Kat Marsh, the oh-so-pleasing dreadlocked Willie and the Bandits, the stomp-around, yes-they-play-everywhere-but-who-cares, Mad Dog McRae) as well as some from futher afield (The New York Ska and Jazz Ensemble, The Beat and, yes, Dreadzone). There was around 100 acts over four days, so there was lots I didn't see, but those were my favourites.

It was small enough not to get lost. Well, except for one foggy night when every tent looked remarkably like the next, especially sillouetted by bright lights near the Bunker. I got rather disorientated looking for my friends' tents, but not for long.

It did rain a lot, but that didn't stop the fun - so what if the sunshine was more a mindset than a reality! In fact, the deeper the mud got, the more it broke down my inhibitions - I was more free to accept myself for who I am (a muddy scruffbag!), kick back and relax.

I stayed awake dancing on Saturday night until 6:30am with a little help from my friends. We danced almost all the way through, starting from 8pm. More excercise than I'd had in ages! I reckon I came back from the festival fitter than before. Actually, though I did indulge in burgers, cakes and breakfast rolls, I also enjoyed lots of salad and fruit and I managed to stay off tobacco, so pretty good all round.

Leaving involved negotiating seriously muddy roads in my Ford Focus. I kept my momentum going and though I slid around in a somewhat alarming fashion, I wasn't one of the unlucky stuck.

On the way back into civilisation, we stopped at the Co-op in Torpoint. In that moment, we realised 1) that the world had continued without us quite successfully as evidenced by numerous newspapers 2) it was no longer acceptable to speak to random strangers and ask if they were having a good time 3) it was slightly frowned upon to be covered with mud, in need of a good bath and have unbrushed hair.

When I got home, I realised the car was splattered with mud as if I'd had a fight with an enraged hippo. There was so much mud glued into the wheel arches, I easily scraped off a carrier bag's worth.

I've left the car muddy just as a reminder of the fun I had (well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!). ;-)

If you want to know more about the Maker Sunshine festival, here's a link to their myspace. They also have a main website. I can't seem to link that one, but you can always google it :-)

http://www.myspace.com/makerfestival

A Good Move

News - I'm going to move house.

There's a place just round the corner with other young professionals. Here's the advert pretty much as it was, except I couldn't help putting the first "i" back in Victorian. Doesn't it sound good?

Rooms to rent in Lovely Victorian House

Great sized, fully furnished quiet rooms in shared house. House has undergone recent refurb to include fully fitted kitchen with integrated double oven, hob, extractor and dishwasher. 2x Fridge & Freezer. Slate floor in kitchen and polished wood flooring throughout all other rooms. Communal LCD TV included. Downstairs shower cubicle with blue mosaic and concealed shower. WC.

Beautiful original stairwell with crystal chandalier and stained glass door. Main bathroom with contemporary styled bowl sink, WC, bath with large head shower & chromed towel radiator. Fully DG & GCH. Spotlights throughout to add to the contemporary feel whilst retaining original features such as feature fireplaces in all rooms.

Outside is a decked area with table & chairs and parking for 1 car. Free parking in street. Wireless broadband. Rent includes Electric, Gas & Water.

Working Pro's only. No pets, DSS, Smokers.

I'm really happy about this. I've been to look at the place and I like the feel of it straight away. I think it will be a good move. I only met one housemate, but he seemed sound. A guy called Jon, a photograpner. He said, "You're the kind of person we'd like to have here." So guess he felt the same way. It will be a good move for me:

1) Meeting new people
2) Having a bigger room with a desk and more space
3) Having an indoor washing machine (!)
4) A fresh start, but not far from 'home'
5) I'll even have a cleaner!

I've got just under 3 weeks to pack up and move over, but it is literally 2 streets away from where I am now, so not too much of a hassle I reckon!

Things To Make Me Happy

Quick blog today just to recommend a music video from the fabulous Fatlab "Things To Make Me Happy" which you can watch for yourself if you click on the video in the top right of this blog (there's two; click on the one with Becky playing on a tree stump!). I can't help listening to it obsessively at the moment!! Fatlab are an unsigned band describing themselves as comedy/ alternative. This song is less strange and more accessible than most.

They live here in Devon, England and they do have a myspace. Click on the link below. If you do check out any of their other tunes/ videos, try not to be frightened by "Teddy" or the "Black Mouse of Doom". MWA HA HA!

http://www.myspace.com/fatlabtastic

Au Revoir

I brought his things over to the boat. I came to say good-bye.

I felt better after speaking with him. I felt that actually he knew too that the break up was absolutely the right thing: probably we should have done it a while ago, but the truth is we weren't ready until we were ready. Well, truthfully, it took some stupid incident to push us in the right direction. As he says, it was a catalyst for what needed to happen.

He has been very sure about one thing: that he wants us to be friends if possible. I didn't think that was a good idea, but I listened and thought about it. You know what, maybe it could work. It would be lovely to keep some of the connection we've had with one another - one that his been built out of truth and respect and care. I came to say good-bye, but ended up saying Au Revoir - see you later.

I feel I am in the process of finding my feet again. (I literally had trouble with this on Sunday after meeting Esther Rantzen - lost my balance and fell into an oak bench. I have the most wonderful, dappled, red and purple bruise.)

My mind is clearer, my heart less heavy.

I split up with Ciarin.

I am strong, much stronger than I have been. I know exactly how I feel and it's much better than I would have expected. Suddenly, the balance tipped over and my situation has gained great clarity.

I've been up on Dartmoor with Zarah, her partner Kevin, and my Mum this evening, picking bilberries.

Zarah and Mum have already been deciding on the qualities that my future boyfriend should have. They are like witches, making a spell, stirring up their cauldron. They say he is just around the corner, that he will meet me soon, that he has been waiting for me. They pick bilberries and they are talking about this man I will meet while their pots get higher. The berries stain their fingers blue. They pick and they talk about me.

I smile and listen. I feel full of how much they care about me.

"When do you think she will meet him?"
"Within six months."
"Yes, that's what I thought. And he will be loving and respectful."
"Oh yes, very important. And he will be affluent and money-wise."
"Yes, he will have a trade that is always in demand, so that he can support her even when times are hard."
"He will adore Charlie."
"Yes. And he will appreciate how loving she is."
"He will be adventurous."
"Adventurous, yes, but not crazy. He will have a good family and they will be very pleased that he has found someone so wonderful. They will welcome her."
"That will be nice for her."
"He will be comfortable in social situations."
"Yes."

They go on.

"He will be a wonderful cook and love cooking with her."
"Mmm. He will know when she needs to get out for a walk, when she's a bit fed up."
"He will have a nice home, perhaps with Moroccan wood and cushions with red silk in the bedroom!"
"Mmm. He will be worldly and exotic."
"He will be a wonderful dancer."
"Yes! He will be attractive, but not arrogant."
"He will be faithful."
"True."

We move on to a better patch with bigger, juicier berries. The tops of our fingers are purple with the juice.

"He will become interested in some of the things that she is interested in. She will become interested in some of the things that he is."
"He will support Charlie in her career."
"He will be an inspiration."
"He will be wonderful in bed!"
"He will know himself."
"He will take care of her."
"He will make her feel special."

I taste some of the berries we are picking. They are just right. My ears are focused on what they say next.

"I was wondering... do you think he's had a relationship before?"
"He may have had other relationships, but he doesn't have any baggage."
"Ah, yes. She won't have to worry about her relationship at all; it will just be taken care of."

"How old will this wonderful man be?"
"He might be in his mid-thirties. And when he meets her, he will know she is what he wants!"
"He will be ready to settle down."
"He will ask Charlie to move into his lovely house."
"How long before they get married?"
"He will ask her to marry him within two years - they will both know that this is what they want to do much sooner though and they will talk about it."
"And he will ask her how many children she wants to have!"
"They will have children, but it won't limit their lifestyle very much. They'll still do adventurous things."
"Yes. He may or may not be academic, but he will be able to share ideas."

"They might meet unexpectedly - a chance encounter - something unconventional."
"That sounds just right."


I am feel valued and appreciated by my best friend and my mother. While I do not know if such magic thinking really works, I am happy to believe it may. I feel hopeful; I feel that anything could happen and why shouldn't it be wonderful?

They have taken all the best qualities and attributes and conjured together a magical man who would give me everything I want and need to be really, deeply fulfilled and happy right down to my toes.

Enlightenment in Swampy Sandals

Well, life continues as normal. For me that means cancelling a canoeing trip with friends, because it's too damn stormy. Instead, I head out to an alternative spiritual show out on a field that is normally a racecourse. I'm not hugely into hippy-dippy spiritual stuff, but I'm interested. I try to enter with an open mind. I guess I've experienced a few strange things that seem to go beyond mere coincidence, things that can't be explained - nor explained away.

The weather is pretty powerful and I am so glad we decided not to head out in our little canoes. We really would be at the mercy of the elements. I optimistically wear my 'action sandals', because I've become used to wearing open shoes through the summer and at least these have a good tread if it's a bit muddy. Actually, it's so wet the ground is saturated and swamplike that my feet are wet through. It's so windy, the outside stalls seem very much in danger of becoming airbourne and the ones that have instruments take on a rhythm of their own.

Despite that, I have an interesting time, including a deep and meaningful with my friend's Mum, who seem to have a breakthrough while we were talking to her. My friend - who seems far more intuitive than me with crystals - chooses a couple that she thinks will be helpful to me. A blue-grey calcite and a rose-quartz stick. They seem gentle, revitalising and kind.

Later that night, I read my friend's Mum's tarot for her - using a book to make sense of the symbols. The cards seem to have a message for her that fits with the deep and meaningful we had earlier. I fall asleep with the rose quartz crystal in my hand.

Ciarin, meanwhile, rides his bike with mates through Cornwall. But the weather makes the trip much more hazardous and less fun. I am relieved and happy to see him. I get the sense of someone who knows me so well and loves me easily. His beard is starting to take shape. It has definition and form. I see someone who is deep-rooted and powerful, who doesn't apologise for who they are. This makes me feel proud of him and happy.

He has toothache and I try fixing it with a bit of hands-on healing. I don't know if I help him, but I end up restless and sick myself. Perhaps it backfired. ;-)