A Good Move

News - I'm going to move house.

There's a place just round the corner with other young professionals. Here's the advert pretty much as it was, except I couldn't help putting the first "i" back in Victorian. Doesn't it sound good?

Rooms to rent in Lovely Victorian House

Great sized, fully furnished quiet rooms in shared house. House has undergone recent refurb to include fully fitted kitchen with integrated double oven, hob, extractor and dishwasher. 2x Fridge & Freezer. Slate floor in kitchen and polished wood flooring throughout all other rooms. Communal LCD TV included. Downstairs shower cubicle with blue mosaic and concealed shower. WC.

Beautiful original stairwell with crystal chandalier and stained glass door. Main bathroom with contemporary styled bowl sink, WC, bath with large head shower & chromed towel radiator. Fully DG & GCH. Spotlights throughout to add to the contemporary feel whilst retaining original features such as feature fireplaces in all rooms.

Outside is a decked area with table & chairs and parking for 1 car. Free parking in street. Wireless broadband. Rent includes Electric, Gas & Water.

Working Pro's only. No pets, DSS, Smokers.

I'm really happy about this. I've been to look at the place and I like the feel of it straight away. I think it will be a good move. I only met one housemate, but he seemed sound. A guy called Jon, a photograpner. He said, "You're the kind of person we'd like to have here." So guess he felt the same way. It will be a good move for me:

1) Meeting new people
2) Having a bigger room with a desk and more space
3) Having an indoor washing machine (!)
4) A fresh start, but not far from 'home'
5) I'll even have a cleaner!

I've got just under 3 weeks to pack up and move over, but it is literally 2 streets away from where I am now, so not too much of a hassle I reckon!

Things To Make Me Happy

Quick blog today just to recommend a music video from the fabulous Fatlab "Things To Make Me Happy" which you can watch for yourself if you click on the video in the top right of this blog (there's two; click on the one with Becky playing on a tree stump!). I can't help listening to it obsessively at the moment!! Fatlab are an unsigned band describing themselves as comedy/ alternative. This song is less strange and more accessible than most.

They live here in Devon, England and they do have a myspace. Click on the link below. If you do check out any of their other tunes/ videos, try not to be frightened by "Teddy" or the "Black Mouse of Doom". MWA HA HA!

http://www.myspace.com/fatlabtastic

Au Revoir

I brought his things over to the boat. I came to say good-bye.

I felt better after speaking with him. I felt that actually he knew too that the break up was absolutely the right thing: probably we should have done it a while ago, but the truth is we weren't ready until we were ready. Well, truthfully, it took some stupid incident to push us in the right direction. As he says, it was a catalyst for what needed to happen.

He has been very sure about one thing: that he wants us to be friends if possible. I didn't think that was a good idea, but I listened and thought about it. You know what, maybe it could work. It would be lovely to keep some of the connection we've had with one another - one that his been built out of truth and respect and care. I came to say good-bye, but ended up saying Au Revoir - see you later.

I feel I am in the process of finding my feet again. (I literally had trouble with this on Sunday after meeting Esther Rantzen - lost my balance and fell into an oak bench. I have the most wonderful, dappled, red and purple bruise.)

My mind is clearer, my heart less heavy.

I split up with Ciarin.

I am strong, much stronger than I have been. I know exactly how I feel and it's much better than I would have expected. Suddenly, the balance tipped over and my situation has gained great clarity.

I've been up on Dartmoor with Zarah, her partner Kevin, and my Mum this evening, picking bilberries.

Zarah and Mum have already been deciding on the qualities that my future boyfriend should have. They are like witches, making a spell, stirring up their cauldron. They say he is just around the corner, that he will meet me soon, that he has been waiting for me. They pick bilberries and they are talking about this man I will meet while their pots get higher. The berries stain their fingers blue. They pick and they talk about me.

I smile and listen. I feel full of how much they care about me.

"When do you think she will meet him?"
"Within six months."
"Yes, that's what I thought. And he will be loving and respectful."
"Oh yes, very important. And he will be affluent and money-wise."
"Yes, he will have a trade that is always in demand, so that he can support her even when times are hard."
"He will adore Charlie."
"Yes. And he will appreciate how loving she is."
"He will be adventurous."
"Adventurous, yes, but not crazy. He will have a good family and they will be very pleased that he has found someone so wonderful. They will welcome her."
"That will be nice for her."
"He will be comfortable in social situations."
"Yes."

They go on.

"He will be a wonderful cook and love cooking with her."
"Mmm. He will know when she needs to get out for a walk, when she's a bit fed up."
"He will have a nice home, perhaps with Moroccan wood and cushions with red silk in the bedroom!"
"Mmm. He will be worldly and exotic."
"He will be a wonderful dancer."
"Yes! He will be attractive, but not arrogant."
"He will be faithful."
"True."

We move on to a better patch with bigger, juicier berries. The tops of our fingers are purple with the juice.

"He will become interested in some of the things that she is interested in. She will become interested in some of the things that he is."
"He will support Charlie in her career."
"He will be an inspiration."
"He will be wonderful in bed!"
"He will know himself."
"He will take care of her."
"He will make her feel special."

I taste some of the berries we are picking. They are just right. My ears are focused on what they say next.

"I was wondering... do you think he's had a relationship before?"
"He may have had other relationships, but he doesn't have any baggage."
"Ah, yes. She won't have to worry about her relationship at all; it will just be taken care of."

"How old will this wonderful man be?"
"He might be in his mid-thirties. And when he meets her, he will know she is what he wants!"
"He will be ready to settle down."
"He will ask Charlie to move into his lovely house."
"How long before they get married?"
"He will ask her to marry him within two years - they will both know that this is what they want to do much sooner though and they will talk about it."
"And he will ask her how many children she wants to have!"
"They will have children, but it won't limit their lifestyle very much. They'll still do adventurous things."
"Yes. He may or may not be academic, but he will be able to share ideas."

"They might meet unexpectedly - a chance encounter - something unconventional."
"That sounds just right."


I am feel valued and appreciated by my best friend and my mother. While I do not know if such magic thinking really works, I am happy to believe it may. I feel hopeful; I feel that anything could happen and why shouldn't it be wonderful?

They have taken all the best qualities and attributes and conjured together a magical man who would give me everything I want and need to be really, deeply fulfilled and happy right down to my toes.

Enlightenment in Swampy Sandals

Well, life continues as normal. For me that means cancelling a canoeing trip with friends, because it's too damn stormy. Instead, I head out to an alternative spiritual show out on a field that is normally a racecourse. I'm not hugely into hippy-dippy spiritual stuff, but I'm interested. I try to enter with an open mind. I guess I've experienced a few strange things that seem to go beyond mere coincidence, things that can't be explained - nor explained away.

The weather is pretty powerful and I am so glad we decided not to head out in our little canoes. We really would be at the mercy of the elements. I optimistically wear my 'action sandals', because I've become used to wearing open shoes through the summer and at least these have a good tread if it's a bit muddy. Actually, it's so wet the ground is saturated and swamplike that my feet are wet through. It's so windy, the outside stalls seem very much in danger of becoming airbourne and the ones that have instruments take on a rhythm of their own.

Despite that, I have an interesting time, including a deep and meaningful with my friend's Mum, who seem to have a breakthrough while we were talking to her. My friend - who seems far more intuitive than me with crystals - chooses a couple that she thinks will be helpful to me. A blue-grey calcite and a rose-quartz stick. They seem gentle, revitalising and kind.

Later that night, I read my friend's Mum's tarot for her - using a book to make sense of the symbols. The cards seem to have a message for her that fits with the deep and meaningful we had earlier. I fall asleep with the rose quartz crystal in my hand.

Ciarin, meanwhile, rides his bike with mates through Cornwall. But the weather makes the trip much more hazardous and less fun. I am relieved and happy to see him. I get the sense of someone who knows me so well and loves me easily. His beard is starting to take shape. It has definition and form. I see someone who is deep-rooted and powerful, who doesn't apologise for who they are. This makes me feel proud of him and happy.

He has toothache and I try fixing it with a bit of hands-on healing. I don't know if I help him, but I end up restless and sick myself. Perhaps it backfired. ;-)

My Mother-To-Be Friend

My beautiful friend is four months' pregnant and she is glowing. The midwife says her bump is impressively big, the sign of a healthy baby. She has reached the stage of needing to wear maternity clothes, trousers with large elasticated waistbands. Her husband is working on 'the porch' - an extension to the house which will allow a bit of extra room for when Baby is here. There is plenty to do.

Still, we all find time to go for a walk in the woods past a huge variety of dogs (cocker spaniel, golden retriever, sausage dog, dalmatian, plus some like small bears, sporting long strings of saliva) and their owners.

We plough through a catalogue and look at the paraphenalia of motherhood - breast pumps, breast pads and special clothes that allow easy, discreet breast-feeding (though some of them just look wrong - fleeces with velcro nipple flaps, rugby-style shirts with nipple buttons).

She has decided to buy terry towel nappies and other washable nappies rather than contribute to the landfill with more rubbish. She thinks she will need 30 nappies, and has 10 so far. I said that I would buy her a few really nice cloth nappies which her baby could use on special occasions perhaps. I want her to know that I'm there for her and will help as much as I can. She is lucky that both her parents and her husband's parents live nearby and will all help out in their own way. She points out that she has joined the 'mummies' club' - other mothers have welcomed her into the clan. She will be someone new to share experiences with.

I hear the news that the family from my friends' wedding have a new addition. Mum had a third baby girl and all seems well.

So how do I feel? Well, I am genuinely happy for my beautiful friend - she is happily married and I love them both very much. Each new stage she reaches will bring out my love for her, curiosity about her life experience and, no doubt, plenty more self-reflection.

I See Pregnant Women

When there's something on your mind, you see it everywhere. It haunts you.

Maybe you know what I mean - when your heart is in tatters, every song on the radio is a sad one, every advert makes you bawl.

I see pregnant women everywhere. I see couples with wedding rings, going on honeymoons, signing up for mortgages, taking their kids to school.

It was so hard being at my friends' wedding last Saturday watching these two beautiful little girls, the younger one hopping around on the dance floor with a helium balloon, while Mum and Dad looked on. Now I know it's just a snapshot and it's all quite idealised, but I loved watching them. I don't know the parents that well, but they seemed to really love their girls. They were keeping a good distance - they were there in case they were needed, but not interfering. Mum was heavily pregnant again with their third child.

Before I might have thought: "one day that might be me" and smiled, wondering how I'd cope and what my experience would be. Instead, I thought: "I don't know if that will ever be me". I felt tremendously sad. I found myself sobbing (only two glasses of wine, so it wasn't just the booze). Zarah (now 3 months pregnant) put her arm around me and then Ciarin came to see if I was okay. I told him why I was crying. I then made a swift exit to the car, because I couldn't face being so sad in front of everyone. I didn't want to ruin the celebrations. He came and he sat with me while I cried, talked and cried some more. He was patient and I felt no pressure to pretend or to change how I was feeling. Nor did he didn't try to distract me or 'fix' what was wrong. He was just there for me. One of many things I love dearly about him.

Ciarin is really well suited to me: he's extremely kind, thoughtful, relaxed, insightful, easy to be around, great company. But that's what makes it so hard when I think about our future together. I don't want to give him up.

It's easy for people to say that I should split up with him to avoid the heartache a few years down the line. "I know it's hard, but why couldn't he stay in your life as a good friend instead?" I could split up with him and look for someone else to settle with. I know I could find someone if I wanted to, but I don't want anyone else. I don't want to be without him. I would be missing out on a very special, honest and warm connection, not to mention the promise of good company on a grand adventure. I know I can't do everything in my life, that I have to make choices about what I want most - career, family or adventure - but I'm not ready to throw anything away just yet, not until I'm sure.

Unless he changes his mind, it seems like I have a choice to make. But I'm not ready to make it. Until I know clearly what to do, I will just be carrying on. I feel sure that the right answer will become clear before long. Life has a way of forcing an answer when things are uncertain. I just hope that it's not unbearably painful when it comes.