I split up with Ciarin.

I am strong, much stronger than I have been. I know exactly how I feel and it's much better than I would have expected. Suddenly, the balance tipped over and my situation has gained great clarity.

I've been up on Dartmoor with Zarah, her partner Kevin, and my Mum this evening, picking bilberries.

Zarah and Mum have already been deciding on the qualities that my future boyfriend should have. They are like witches, making a spell, stirring up their cauldron. They say he is just around the corner, that he will meet me soon, that he has been waiting for me. They pick bilberries and they are talking about this man I will meet while their pots get higher. The berries stain their fingers blue. They pick and they talk about me.

I smile and listen. I feel full of how much they care about me.

"When do you think she will meet him?"
"Within six months."
"Yes, that's what I thought. And he will be loving and respectful."
"Oh yes, very important. And he will be affluent and money-wise."
"Yes, he will have a trade that is always in demand, so that he can support her even when times are hard."
"He will adore Charlie."
"Yes. And he will appreciate how loving she is."
"He will be adventurous."
"Adventurous, yes, but not crazy. He will have a good family and they will be very pleased that he has found someone so wonderful. They will welcome her."
"That will be nice for her."
"He will be comfortable in social situations."
"Yes."

They go on.

"He will be a wonderful cook and love cooking with her."
"Mmm. He will know when she needs to get out for a walk, when she's a bit fed up."
"He will have a nice home, perhaps with Moroccan wood and cushions with red silk in the bedroom!"
"Mmm. He will be worldly and exotic."
"He will be a wonderful dancer."
"Yes! He will be attractive, but not arrogant."
"He will be faithful."
"True."

We move on to a better patch with bigger, juicier berries. The tops of our fingers are purple with the juice.

"He will become interested in some of the things that she is interested in. She will become interested in some of the things that he is."
"He will support Charlie in her career."
"He will be an inspiration."
"He will be wonderful in bed!"
"He will know himself."
"He will take care of her."
"He will make her feel special."

I taste some of the berries we are picking. They are just right. My ears are focused on what they say next.

"I was wondering... do you think he's had a relationship before?"
"He may have had other relationships, but he doesn't have any baggage."
"Ah, yes. She won't have to worry about her relationship at all; it will just be taken care of."

"How old will this wonderful man be?"
"He might be in his mid-thirties. And when he meets her, he will know she is what he wants!"
"He will be ready to settle down."
"He will ask Charlie to move into his lovely house."
"How long before they get married?"
"He will ask her to marry him within two years - they will both know that this is what they want to do much sooner though and they will talk about it."
"And he will ask her how many children she wants to have!"
"They will have children, but it won't limit their lifestyle very much. They'll still do adventurous things."
"Yes. He may or may not be academic, but he will be able to share ideas."

"They might meet unexpectedly - a chance encounter - something unconventional."
"That sounds just right."


I am feel valued and appreciated by my best friend and my mother. While I do not know if such magic thinking really works, I am happy to believe it may. I feel hopeful; I feel that anything could happen and why shouldn't it be wonderful?

They have taken all the best qualities and attributes and conjured together a magical man who would give me everything I want and need to be really, deeply fulfilled and happy right down to my toes.