2 Weeks of Bliss

It is so wonderful being off work for a couple of weeks. I can do whatever I want!
So far that has been:
sleeping in late
making dark chocolate and mango brownies with pine nuts, walnuts and brazil
making lavendar-scented candles with layers of purple and pink and real roses in them
making a huge pumpkin and mushroom soup
making Christmas cards
going for a (short) run
making plans to go and see my favourite singer-songwriter play in London
planning to visit the British Museum and an exhibition of 'Weird and Wonderful Inventions'
planning to have an Action Day with my best friend's husband - walking/ caves/ canoeing
inviting my friend and husband over for dinner
planning my friend's baby shower

Scratch n' Sniff

I have been very excited about smells today. I bought some sandalwood incense from the Chinese shop on the Barbican and a mandarin orange soap in a tin from the Woollen Mill.

I think I have sniffed both items about 8 times each already. Yes! They still smell wonderful!

I have also forced other people to smell them as well and they complied, but perhaps that was just so they didn't upset me too much!

Far Away

My family are far, far away. I try not to feel abandoned. After all, it was me who went far, far away from them many years ago. I put 5 and a half hours between them and me, just so that I could feel sure they wouldn't sneak up on me.

My parents are in the Middle East and my sister is in California.

Sometimes I want to fly away. But when you've moved a lot growing up, like I have, it feels important to stay still for a while, to establish a sense of home. I guess I might have got to the stage where I've internalised a sense of home, so that I could go anywhere and feel safe and stable and loved.

They are a good family these days. They write to me and tell me that they think about me, that they care. I do the same. We say what we really think. We look out for one another.

It's not bad really. Maybe they're not so far away, after all.

My New Friend

I have a new friend who is tall with a mass of light brown, curly hair. He is very gentle and kind. We cook together and he makes me happy. He took me out riding in the woods and I was frightened, because I don't feel safe on bikes, but I feel safe with him so I did it. I even enjoyed some of it - zipping over the roots of trees!

He seems to like me just the way I am. He is a good artist and he says he likes my writing. He says he would like to illustrate one of my stories, so who knows, maybe he will! I would like to see how he draws the Moon Girl, whether she is beautiful in her despair and how he draws the moon (is it as strong and silent as I imagine?).

I feel happy today because there is someone I can share things with.

On Not Getting What You Want

I didn't get the job. I am gutted. I've been in floods of tears. I cried myself to sleep and as I woke up I had this feeling that something was horribly wrong, before I even knew what it was, before I remembered.

I didn't get the job is that I performed poorly at interview. I performed poorly because I was sick.

My answers were vague and imcomplete. My mind kept going blank. I started wishing for the damn thing to be over. I was exhausted. I hadn't realised how much energy this would take.

Here are some learning points for myself re: Interviews.

1) Never go to an interview when you're sick - it's a waste of time!

2) Deal with anxiety by being prepared. Come up with a list of interview questions. Spend time preparing your answers and then practice with another person as interviewer (ideally in the same field) who can give you feedback on your performance.

3) Warm up by talking to someone before you get there.

4) Use formal language where possible - the vocabulary of your profession.

5) Smile, breathe and make good eye contact. Your performance is part of what you will be judged on. If there are a few of you with similar qualifications/ experience, this could make all the difference.

6) Get there early. You are going to be a bit nervous anyway - you don't need to be stressing about traffic or directions.


If the worst happens and you don't get the job, remember that you're not the only one to be hit by disappointment - it happens to all of us sometimes.

If this is what you really want, it won't matter too much that you didn't get it straight away. So what? Someone else got the job? Good for them. It will be your time before long.

Gently pick yourself up, gather strength and try again.

Keep On Trekking

So, now that I'm single, I am free to focus on areas of my life I have had on a back burner.

For a long time now, I've wanted to earn more money by working as a counsellor. Finally, an opportunity has arrived at the centre that I volunteer at. It's a really exciting time. The job is part-time, only 10 hours a week, but it's something that could lead to more work or could be supplemented by private clients and other work.

What do you do? I'm a counsellor.

That's what I want to be able to say, instead of: "I earn my money as a support worker, but I'm also qualified as counsellor and I'm trying to build up by client base and get a job so that can become my main thing."

It's easier to say, for a start.


Well, as great as it is to focus on my career, I find it quite hard being single. It's hard not to feel lonely. My friendships seem more important; my job seems more important; my happiness seems more important. Otherwise, I don't know. My life is in flux, I guess.

There's this little voice that pipes up sometimes saying, You're 30 soon! What are you doing with your life? I get this sense of panic rising, that I should be in a loving relationship, that I should be having kids, that I should have a mortgage, that I should have my career path sorted!

I have to remember to stay calm and think of all the other folk I know who are making their way through life in the best way they know how, just like me. I have to remember that few people get to a point where they can say to themselves: this is 100% where I want to be.

It is better to be open to finding the right path than to be on the wrong one and too stubborn or frightened to change!

I need to get out for a long hike in the wilds, go canoeing, climb a mountain. Maybe that will remind me that I am strong and that there is great beauty in the world. It will also remind me that life is not always about what I did or what I'm going to do, but what I'm doing right now.

I need to remember to savour the moment. :-)

Maker Sunshine Festival

I've got to be honest: I had pretty mixed feelings about going to this festival and it had nothing to do with the festival itself. I was nervous to be spending time with Ciarin so soon after we'd split. I needn't have worried; it was fine. He was friendly, but not awkward or overly intimate - a real gentleman, as ever. There were maybe 30 people there that I knew, so I didn't have to be around him and his friends (my friends, too, these days). However, I did enjoy his company and theirs. :-)

I did have a couple of 'moments'. I started sobbing just as Dreadzone came on! The music made me want to dance, but I felt a bit sad. The contrast made me feel disconnected from the moment. Fortunately, I was 'bundled' by three friends who hugged me fiercely and got me dancing. Before long, I was enjoying myself.

The truth is that I had a great festival. The festival itself is by no means large, but there's plenty going on - there's the Main Stage, the 2nd Stage, the Energy Rooms, The Cabaret Tent, the Bunkers and the Hemp Tent, plus a number of different hangouts - hookah pipes, cafes, tea shops, the firepit and a dome tent that welcomed all types of smokers. There were brave men and women performing the fire poi for our entertainment. I saw comedy acts (the delightful and very funny Totnes poet Matt Harvey), burlesque dancing (the unforgettable Miss Zelma du Noir) and some brilliant local bands live (sexy blues chick, Kat Marsh, the oh-so-pleasing dreadlocked Willie and the Bandits, the stomp-around, yes-they-play-everywhere-but-who-cares, Mad Dog McRae) as well as some from futher afield (The New York Ska and Jazz Ensemble, The Beat and, yes, Dreadzone). There was around 100 acts over four days, so there was lots I didn't see, but those were my favourites.

It was small enough not to get lost. Well, except for one foggy night when every tent looked remarkably like the next, especially sillouetted by bright lights near the Bunker. I got rather disorientated looking for my friends' tents, but not for long.

It did rain a lot, but that didn't stop the fun - so what if the sunshine was more a mindset than a reality! In fact, the deeper the mud got, the more it broke down my inhibitions - I was more free to accept myself for who I am (a muddy scruffbag!), kick back and relax.

I stayed awake dancing on Saturday night until 6:30am with a little help from my friends. We danced almost all the way through, starting from 8pm. More excercise than I'd had in ages! I reckon I came back from the festival fitter than before. Actually, though I did indulge in burgers, cakes and breakfast rolls, I also enjoyed lots of salad and fruit and I managed to stay off tobacco, so pretty good all round.

Leaving involved negotiating seriously muddy roads in my Ford Focus. I kept my momentum going and though I slid around in a somewhat alarming fashion, I wasn't one of the unlucky stuck.

On the way back into civilisation, we stopped at the Co-op in Torpoint. In that moment, we realised 1) that the world had continued without us quite successfully as evidenced by numerous newspapers 2) it was no longer acceptable to speak to random strangers and ask if they were having a good time 3) it was slightly frowned upon to be covered with mud, in need of a good bath and have unbrushed hair.

When I got home, I realised the car was splattered with mud as if I'd had a fight with an enraged hippo. There was so much mud glued into the wheel arches, I easily scraped off a carrier bag's worth.

I've left the car muddy just as a reminder of the fun I had (well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!). ;-)

If you want to know more about the Maker Sunshine festival, here's a link to their myspace. They also have a main website. I can't seem to link that one, but you can always google it :-)

http://www.myspace.com/makerfestival